Benjamin

I haven't gone into all the details about what is happening with Benjamin- or if I have I don't remember. Over the past 15 months, since he started 1st grade, we have been trying to figure out what is going on with him. Up until he started 1st grade, he always loved school, loved learning, got along with friends.  As soon as he began 1st grade, he began to complain: the days were too long, the work was too boring, he had no friends. We were in touch with his teacher throughout the year, but she wasn't overly engaged with him and seemed to be managing a difficult class where Benjamin wasn't the biggest concern, even if it was clear things weren't exactly right. He had a hard time sitting still and keeping all his body parts to himself. He would do things that he knew were against the rules even after being reminded not to do them. He loves reading and would read constantly, rather than whatever he was supposed to be doing at school.

I began to think about getting him tested. Maybe he was gifted and that is why he was bored at school. The school gives screeners to all 1st graders and the boys both came back as "high average," but not superior or gifted.

Over the summer he was miserable in social settings, and began to avoid new situations. Sometimes he would get excited and get involved, but he mostly pushed back against us whenever we asked him to do or try new things.

Then, one day in September, Benjamin was supposed to go on a Cub Scouts hiking trip, and backed out at the last minute. Instead we went swimming at Jane and Ed's, and while we were there, Benjamin tossed a toy tug boat at my cousin's husband's head. I was livid. Mostly embarrassed by his behavior, but also worried about what was happening inside of him that he was reacting to.

At back-to-school night, I let Benjamin's teacher know about some of the difficulties he'd had the prior year, and she let me know that she had already noticed he needed a lot of prompting and redirecting to get his schoolwork done.

Shortly after that, I had my colleague give Benjamin an IQ test, to rule out the "gifted" hypothesis. She gave me the results a few days later. His IQ test came back in the "average" range, but she said she didn't think it was representative of his actual IQ. He had done incredibly poorly on tests that required attention. She said, "Have you considered a diagnosis of ADHD?" Oddly, I hadn't considered that diagnosis, but as soon as she said it, all the pieces clicked and fell into place. His difficulty getting started on his work, the pushback when we ask him to do the work he knows how to do easily, and some of the impulsive behavior we had seen- all symptoms of ADHD.

Naturally, I right away got upset with myself, and blamed myself for the diagnosis. It was because Benjamin had to share my uterus, because maybe he didn't get enough nutrition in utero. What was wrong with me that I hadn't been aware of this earlier, and has he now suffered irreparable damage to his self-esteem? In need of comfort, I called my mom who said, in her usual comforting manner, "This is about Benjamin, not about you. Stop the pity party."

Right away I began the process of a full evaluation at the elementary school. Within days, the school counselor had organized a team meeting with Benjamin's teacher, the speech therapist, the head of the achievement team, and the school psychologist. Everyone was engaged and knowledgable, and we moved forward with a full evaluation. Benjamin's teacher had already implemented many things in the classroom and continued to do them to help him manage his time and to help him socialize with classmates.

In the meantime, I had been taking Benjamin to his own therapist to work on some of his social functioning and frustration. She agreed with a probable ADHD diagnosis, and we began to work on some activities to help Benjamin with mindfulness and attention.

The fall was a very difficult time. Benjamin was often angry- particularly after he had access to a screen for a long period of time. He continued to struggle socially, and seemed unhappy almost all of the time. I began to fear spending time with him, because he could be so unpleasant. He would yell at us to "LEAVE ME ALONE" and stay up in his room to get away. I think we all walked on eggshells around him.

In December, we got the full report from the school, and Benjamin was officially diagnosed with ADHD. At the beginning of January, we met with the team at his school once again to put in place an Individualized Education Plan- for which he qualifies due to his delays in speech.  He is getting twice-weekly speech therapy, and his teacher has made arrangements in the classroom to help keep him focused.  Benjamin is going to therapy every-other-week, and goes to a social skills lunch at school called "lunch bunch" once a week. His teacher reports that he his making friends and having an easier time at school, and has stopped dreading recess. We see mostly improved behavior at home, unless he has access to electronics, which turns him into an angry monster, so we have had to limit his access.

It has been a huge relief to see positive changes in him. I still worry, and we are trying to make sure he has the attention and love he needs to be successful. But the future is hopeful.

The other week, I took Benjamin to therapy and told his therapist that sometimes it is hard to be a mom of a little person. When the boys were babies, it was so easy; all I had to do was feed them, love them, and change diapers. But the bigger kid stuff is hard, and I am worried I'm not doing a good job. Benjamin was playing at the time, but also listening, and he said, "You ARE a good mom!" He gave me a big hug. It made my day. And then we had a lovely evening at home, where Benjamin did his homework without complaint, ate his dinner without complaint, took a shower and got bathed without complaint, and then snuggled next to me in bed while we read books. He was his sweet and loving self, and a joy to be with. Everyday may not be like this, but it gives me hope that we are doing the right things and are on the right track.