S.A.D.

This winter has been rough.  I know I started a post just like this last winter, but the computer ate it and I never retyped it.  So here it is again.

I'm sick and tired of winter.  I think I have a mild form of Seasonal Affective Disorder, and probably have for years.  February is always the worst for me- I remember taking Zoloft when I was in college, Lexapro in graduate school, I remember finding myself in tears for no real reason other than that it was February again.  Since getting pregnant, things have been better for me, but last year and this year have been hard again.  I'm not crying for no reason (this is good news), but I am irritable and find myself getting disproportionately upset over things.  I feel sensitive to social slights (perceived or real) and let little things nag at me.

I am also feeling "antsy."  I have nothing big I'm working toward- and the past 15 years of my life have been a process of jumping from one goal to the next.  Finish college, get into grad school, get engaged and married, buy a house, finish grad school, have babies, new house, more baby, get licensed...  all those things on my mental checklist have been checked.  I have everything I dreamed of as a young girl: a handsome husband, healthy and wonderful children, a career I love, a nice home, good relationships with friends and family.  But right now I feel like I want something else to work towards and get excited about.

I'm toying with the idea of starting a private practice here, near where we live.  I have always wanted to work with women on matters of sexual function and dysfunction, and since going through infertility and a high-risk pregnancy, I have wanted to work with women around those issues as well. I do like couples work, and I have found that I love doing long-term, insight-oriented therapy.  I get to do some couples work, and a fair amount of long-term therapy at my current job, but no sex therapy work.  I find myself frustrated with the inconsistency of my clients- they often lack commitment to therapy and don't prioritize it, meaning that I get last-minute cancelations or people "forgetting" their appointments, or discontinuing abruptly for some reason that I never discover.  With all of the snow days we have had, I have had to go weeks or months without seeing people, which is very disruptive to the process.  It is frustrating all around.  I don't know that a private practice would necessarily solve these problems, but it would leave me feeling more in control of the type of client I work with.

I have also thought about writing a book.  But I feel completely sapped of any creativity.  As a child, I was constantly writing, and always had ideas and story lines in my head.  Now the only things in my head are a to-do list and a mental calendar.

At my annual with my gynecologist today, she reassured me that I'm at one of the most difficult points in a woman's life- with 3 young children and a career and not much sleep.  She said she thinks I'm doing amazingly well considering.  It's nice to hear that, since it is so easy to beat up on myself everyday for the ways in which I'm not doing things well enough.

I just keep telling myself, spring is coming.  We'll go a full week without a snow day and/or an illness.  We'll make play dates and then actually have them.  We'll play outside after dinner, go on walks, go on jogs, go to the playground.  But I'm seriously considering a one-way ticket to California as my next life goal.