Friday, April 16, 2010

Feeling Emotional

I think I am somewhat more emotional now than I was when I was pregnant.  The other day I was sitting and just looking at these little babies (especially Ben, who is still very small and has skinny little arms and legs) and I felt like I could kill anyone who hurt them or was mean to them.  I felt this mix of overwhelming love for them, and a desire to protect them.  If I could wrap them in cotton and keep them safe forever, I would.  I even started crying when I thought about how much I love them and how precious they are.

Then I have feelings of guilt, because I have brought them into this world, and inevitably they will be let down, hurt, and disappointed (and not just by me).  One day some girl will break their hearts.  They will probably get teased for something at school, they will try out for a sports team or play and not make it, they will get sick or injured and feel pain.  And I won't be able to stop any of it!  I know that is part of everyone's life, and that we all survive those disappointments and become stronger people.  But right now, all I want is to promise them a perfect life, and I can't promise that. 

There is also the guilt that I am already letting them down.  Because there are 2 of them and 1 of me, there are times where one baby is getting my attention and one is crying.  I am actually ok with the sound of crying, because usually whoever is crying just wants to be held, and is not crying out of hunger or discomfort, and I know I will get there soon enough.  But I think, are they aware already of who gets attention?  I enjoy nursing Asher more than Ben, because Asher's latch is more comfortable and he eats more consistently, where Ben needs reminding that it is time to eat and not nap.  I have to make sure that I take equal turns with them, although it feels like it would just be easier to breastfeed Asher and bottle feed Ben.  But I enjoy that we have our time alone together, and I often hold them even after we are done breast feeding just so I can be close to them.  The other night we did our first tandem feed, and Asher just went to town, eating for about 15-20 minutes, and Ben ate for about 5-8 and just stopped.  I took him off and then I thought, does he see that his brother is getting more time with mom?  Is he jealous?

Other than these concerns, things are going well.  Both of our boys like to eat, and we have been really lucky as far as their sleep at night.  At their 2-week check-up (for which they were really only 12 days old), we were told that we could let them wake us for feedings at night.  Last night we put them to sleep at 11 pm, they slept til 3:40, we fed them and went back to bed around 4:15, and they slept til we woke them a little before 8.  So Eric and I got some decent sleep, and that really helps with my mood and attitude during the day.

Here is a picture of us on the boys' first trip into town last weekend:
And here are the boys during our night-time pre-bed snuggles, first Ben:
And Asher:
Such sweet angels.  They are awake more now in the mornings, so I am not sure what to do since they are not yet ready to play, exactly.  I have put them in their bouncy seats and I talk to them, but I am not sure if they are bored (do babies get bored?) or what they would prefer.  They don't cry so I figure it is ok with them.  I guess we will all 3 learn!

1 comment:

  1. My mom calls that feeling the "mama bear instinct," We all have it. I scared a nurse out of an ER room once because of it. Two years later and I could still cry thinking about how much I love Nate... welcome to motherhood! :)