mixed emotions

Hot dog? Ice cream?  Both!

Belly yesterday at 37w5d.  Just in case I went into labor and had the baby.

I'm 38 weeks tomorrow.  I had my appointment today, and all is well with baby and me- her heart rate is good and strong, my blood pressure remains low, and I haven't gained any weight.  We are healthy as can be.  The OB gave me an internal- it was not the doctor who I usually see and have seen for the past couple of months- and he was not nearly as gentle as my usual doctor.  It seemed like he couldn't find my cervix anywhere! Ouch!  And then he told me, no change.  Still about 1 cm dilated, 75% effaced.  Hmph! I am having crazy Braxton-Hicks, some of which are becoming really painful, waking me up at night, and nothing???  That is really frustrating.

At the same time, I feel relieved.  We have friends coming from Boston this weekend and a long list of things to do, like packing, painting, shopping, and baking (yes, I seem to think that tomorrow has 36 hours in it rather than 24).  It will be much easier to get things done if I am still pregnant.  I asked the OB if there were any restrictions and he said no, to go ahead and paint, bend and lift, pack, do whatever.  I am kind of hoping intense activity will move things along.

I also feel a little eager to meet this baby.  What will she look like, sound like, smell like?  And yet I am happy to focus my attention on my two guys right now.  I feel such guilt, that I know what's coming and they don't.  Every night when we tuck them into bed I think, "Is this the last night that they'll be my only two children?"  I am having trouble sleeping because I find myself thinking about things like that.  As I've said before, I love them so much, and I worry that this new baby will upset them.

I also find myself thinking, "will I be sure when I go into labor" (dumb question, given the intensity of my contractions last time around).  Will my labor be similar but shorter?  More painful?  Less?  I am not scared of labor and delivery because it went so smoothly the last time, and I know the epidural is always there waiting for me.

There are just such feelings of ambivalence.  I feel like our whole lives are in transition.  And I hate the anticipation of change, even if I will love the effects of the change when it's done.

Today the boys and I went to Trader Joe's and I saw our lactation consultant there.  I haven't seen her, other than for a brief moment when she came to visit my cousin last fall, since she came to help the boys nurse when they were 5 days old.  She got them both latched and I really don't think we would have done it without her.  She said it made her day to see them big and healthy, and me pregnant again.  I told her I still carry her card with me and will be calling her if there's any trouble when Petunia arrives!

Time for bed- I'm exhausted and need to cram 2 days' worth of activities into tomorrow.  We will definitely owe our friends dinner after all this!