Monday, May 24, 2010

Making myself crazy

I barely slept last night.  In fact, I am convinced I didn't sleep at all, but I assume I must have dozed off at least a few times.  And no, it was not because of my babies.  My boys slept like angels!  They woke twice to be fed, but went to sleep immediately afterward and had I been able to sleep, I could have gotten about 7.5 hours.  Instead I lay awake and worried.

I felt anxious about how fast my little guys are growing.  I love their little bodies so much, and they are such a good size for snuggling.  They sleep on us all the time after we feed them and they fit perfectly against my chest and under my chin.  But they get bigger everyday! (And yes, I acknowledge that if they were not getting bigger, I would be REALLY worried.)  The other day I found a "newborn" size outfit that got misplaced in the 0-3 month drawer.  Well, the outfit is adorable, we have two of them, and I found them in time for only Benjamin to fit in.  So I feel awful that all of these adorable clothes are getting worn once, or not at all.  My mom got the boys sleep gowns, which we have only used about twice, because we stopped putting them to sleep in the crib, and they can't wear a gown to be strapped into a car seat.  It seems so sad, all the adorable outfits friends and family have gotten for them that aren't getting worn enough.  I told my mom how I felt and she said I'm crazy.  Which I know, hence the title of this post!

Lying in bed, I was overwhelmed with my feelings of love and affection for these sweet boys.  I quietly went into the nursery just to watch them sleep.  They are so perfect, and peaceful.  Everyday I feel more strongly for them.

Eventually I got to the point where my anxiety was all about whether I would sleep at all.  And anyone who has had insomnia knows that once you start that anxiety, you are pretty much ensuring that you won't sleep.  So, at 1 the boys woke up for a feeding, we fed them, and I hoped that I would fall asleep after that.  I was almost asleep, and Trouble jumped on me!  It was downhill from there.  What a terrible night!

Now I am worried it will happen again tonight, which is always a bad way to start the night.  I have my fingers crossed that I will be fine...

Today's picture is of Asher's beautiful face.  He is wearing a very cute outfit that my mom bought for him in Paris back in January.  Now he's outgrown it, of course!  She'll have to go back to Paris and buy him some more clothes!

No comments:

Post a Comment