It started with not a great night. It took forever to get the boys down to sleep, and my dad ended up coming over to take them on walks around the block until they were lulled to sleep. Then, when I was ready to fall asleep, Eric came to bed and it woke me. Then Trouble came to bed. And Trouble sat on my head. I'm having guilt that our cats don't get enough attention, so I thought maybe I would let him sit on me for a little, but really, it is too hot for that kind of nonsense. I pushed him off, multiple times. I finally did fall asleep, but was awoken at 2 am when Asher woke up. I nursed him and he went right back to sleep in his crib, and I went back to sleep in bed. I decided not to pump at that point since generally I don't have much milk that early in the night, and it isn't worth it.
At 3:30, Benjamin woke up and Eric went to feed him. For some reason I decided to pump then, maybe because I had skipped pumping altogether the night before. So I pumped, got back in bed, and was almost asleep when I heard cries over the monitor-- Benjamin was not interested in going back in the crib. So Eric said, "Will you nurse him?" I nursed him in bed until he fell asleep, and then pushed him over to Eric.
At 5:20, I heard Asher crying. He had peed through his diaper and was soaking wet. So I had to change him and then I took him to the guest room bed and nursed him there. After he ate, he decided he wanted to be awake. Oh, no. No way. So I shut my eyes and ignored him while he talked and waved his arms around. Eventually he came back to nurse again and fell asleep.
At 7:40, Eric came in holding Benjamin and saying, "That was a pretty easy night, huh?" I wanted to kill him. I wish men could lactate because I would like to share a little of the load!
Then today I was already tired, and the boys were also exhausted. They were crying so much, and wouldn't nap. Every time I thought they were down for a nap, they woke up 20 minutes later. Around 1, they were both crying, I hadn't showered, I wanted lunch, and I was ready to get in the car and leave them. I couldn't think of anything to do and felt incapacitated by the stress and feelings of helplessness. I was just sitting on the couch like a lump, and Eric was standing there with one baby (I don't even remember which one) while the other one screamed away. Eric told me that I could ignore the crying and see if they settled themselves, but all I could think was that I would be such a bad mother if I ignored it, and they would feel like I didn't care about them at all.
Eric brought me some food and I ate it. After I ate he asked how it was and I said, "I don't know, I could barely taste it." Now, for someone who loves food to not care about their lunch... I was contemplating driving the babies to Main Line Fertility and leaving them there since that was where they came from. I thought about calling their pediatrician and saying, "Make them stop!" I thought about calling my dad and asking him to leave work.
In the end, we put Asher in his crib and shut the door so I couldn't hear, and I got in bed with Benjamin and nursed him. He fell asleep and I slipped out, and then got in the guest bed with Asher and nursed him, and we both slept. I got up and left him after a little, and he kept napping. I took a shower and felt a million times better.
The rest of the day was a big improvement, but I was so unhappy. I thought that things were getting easier, and that I could really manage my babies. I feel like a failure, and a bad mom, like I can't meet my babies' needs and I can't make them happy. I know that isn't true, and my boys are thriving, but today felt so awful. Eric did some internet research on sleep with babies, and we have a few things we are now planning to try, so hopefully we can improve their (and our) sleep.
With that, I'm off to bed and hoping for a better, more restful night!