Wednesday, December 23, 2009

22w6d: feeling scared

One week from today is our next ultrasound (or at least I hope so, since I don't have an actual appointment and was just told to "show up"). We'll check the babies' growth, fluid, and of course my cervix. Right after the appointment I'll get part 1 of round 1 of steroids. I feel as though once that happens, we will have cleared 1 big hurdle. Granted, there are many more to clear, but 1 at a time!

But today I feel scared because although at one point in my life 1 week was a short period of time, something that would fly by (especially when it was the week before a paper was due in school!), it now feels like each one of these days will drag on. 7 days in which something could go wrong and our boys will be lost. I know that is such a grim way to think, but today I am afraid. I talk to my belly every day, telling the boys to stay put and keep up the good work.

Just before I found out about the cervical problems, I went for a walk on the treadmill. Yes, I was more tired than I used to be, but I still felt full of energy. I thought to myself, "I would love to be pregnant again, I feel so good!" And I really have had an easy pregnancy, with very few symptoms and mostly general feelings of well-being and happiness. I have a tendency to get depressed, particularly in the winter, and this year that didn't happen at all. So I thought, "this pregnancy thing is so wonderful!" Now I feel as though my body has let me down again. I felt this way while going through fertility treatments, and now some of those feelings have returned. I would say they're more mild, because I know part of the complication is that I am carrying two and not one, and another possible complication is my previous Leep surgery on my cervix. So perhaps under better circumstances this would not have happened.

But now I am spending a lot of time alone and I have time to think, especially in the mornings and right before bed. I start to analyze every twinge and tightening of my uterus. I just spent the past 20 minutes googling "Braxton Hicks" contractions, since I've been having some. They are totally random and unpredictable, although last night after dinner I began having them every time I sneezed, laughed, or turned over in bed. I had been doing well earlier in the day, when I had had maybe 2 over the course of the day. This morning I've had another few, and am just hoping that drinking water and staying still can keep them away, which is not always effective. Ugh. The nurse at the OB's office says as long as they stay random and not painful that I shouldn't worry, but come on! Of course I'm worrying!

I am hoping that over the holidays, visits from my sister and some friends will distract me.

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