Struggling

This weekend was hard for me.  I am having some trouble adjusting to life with babies, even though it has been four months.  I am not sure if it's because it's summer, or what, but it seems like all around me people are having fun, and I'm not.  I realized that Eric and I haven't been invited to any barbecues or parties this summer.  We usually spend the summer traveling, we visit friends, and we have lots of dinners with friends, and I usually host at least one dinner party at our house.  Not this year.  We also aren't hosting people the same way; in fact, Eric wants to get rid of our dining room table that can stretch to seat 10 and put in a table that can only seat 6.  I don't really see a reason to argue.  I'm proud of us when we get a dinner together for the 2 of us, so I can't imagine hosting a dinner party.  Although, I am hoping we can continue to host New Years Eve. By the time it comes around again, the boys will be a little more independent and in bed early and hopefully sleeping through the night.  Regardless, my social life has taken a nose-dive and I miss my old independence and interaction with other adults.  It doesn't help that most of my friends don't have children, so their lives are the same as they ever were.

Saturday was really difficult for me.  I told my friend Shoshana that I would meet her up at her boyfriend's apartment, and that we would go to an outlet mall nearby.  I was in the mood to shop and hoped to find some new things to make me feel less frumpy.  The adventure did not start well-- Benjamin cried for 30 minutes of the 45 minute car ride.  Then we got to the mall and he was still crying.  Ok, I would nurse him.  But no, he was too hysterical for it.  Shoshana tried to give him a bottle.  No, wouldn't let her hold him.  After about 2 minutes in my arms, he did calm down.  I wore him in the Moby wrap into one store, but then Asher woke up and started fussing-- he wanted to eat.  So in the dressing room, I nursed Asher and fed Benjamin a bottle.  Then we were off again.  And then, in the next store, Benjamin pooped, and so I had to change him on the floor of the dressing room.  Then he was crying, so I had him back in the Moby wrap.  We tried to get lunch, with Asher in the stroller, but then Asher started crying.  I nursed them a little at lunch (eating one-handed with a nursing cover on in the middle of the mall) and then we were off, with Ben in the wrap and Asher in Shoshana's arms, and the stroller carrying only the diaper bag and the two things we had actually had time to buy.  It was ridiculous.  We didn't really get to shop, the babies cried, and I began to get anxious.  I felt like the worst mom in the world, like if they were upset, it was because they were tired, and I should have stayed home so that they could nap.  We decided to just leave.  I dropped Shoshana off and then went home, and Ben cried the whole way.  Hysterically.  Painful sobs that made me so unhappy that I started to cry.

When we finally got home, I fed them both (again) and put them down for naps.  They napped for a few hours, and I did my exercise video, made granola, and did some cleaning.  By the time they woke up, I felt much better.  But I don't know what to do, do I stay home with them everyday?  That doesn't make sense.  But neither does going out and having them cry and me be anxious.  We have not yet found what works for us, and in the meantime, days like that make me miserable.

I am trying to make new friends, and am working on starting a play group.  I have work, and Eric and I will hire babysitters for some date nights.  But, I miss my independence, and my socializing.  Oh, and I miss my relationship with my husband-- most of our conversations now are about our children and nothing else.  And don't get me started on our (non-existent) sex life.  With my friends,  I barely get to talk to people when I'm with them because someone is often crying and I am distracted.  Things will improve, I am sure of it, but in the meantime it's tough.

On the positive side, I cannot look at my babies without being overwhelmed with love for them.  They are so beautiful, and their little personalities are starting to show.  Asher is happy all the time, he smiles when you look at him, and tonight in his bath he was just laughing away.  The sound of it just made me feel full of happiness and love.  Benjamin's moods are less predictable; at times he is happy, smiling, and laughing.  At other moments he is hysterically unhappy and only calm if he is held, and there is no way to know what leads to what with him.  But we are trying out new toys with them, like the exersaucer and the jumperoo (jumperoo not such a big hit yet), and I am loving watching them try new things.  Next up-- we try oatmeal!  I will be sure to take pictures.