Thursday, October 21, 2010

Guilt and Anxiety

Let me begin by saying that I am so, so tired.  Last night Benjamin cried for some unknown reason for about 2 hours.  This has never happened before!  Usually our boys are easily soothed, but last night, anytime we put Benjamin down in his crib, he just cried and cried.  And then today both babies were only interested in 30-45 minute naps (by my standards, not a nap, but they would NOT go back to sleep).  So I am very tired.

I am having feelings of guilt over my student loans, which we just began paying back after 1 year of deferring them since I was not working or earning any money.  I also saw how much I owe, and it makes me sick.  I feel awful that Eric was prudent in his choice of college, owed very little in loans, and has worked since the day he graduated (literally. He graduated on a Saturday and started work on Monday.  I have worked so sporadically that it is kind of embarrassing), and then he went and married me and now he is taking care of me, and our twins, and helping carry my debt.  And I went to school for four years of college and five years of graduate school, and am barely working. 

I also feel uninvolved with my field in general.  I let my membership lapse in all the professional organizations I was involved with, although I am now re-joining.  I have not looked at any kind of recent research, I haven't attended any lectures or meetings, or talked about my work with anyone other than my supervisor.

So there is guilt that I invested so much time and money into something that I am barely doing.  I know that it was an investment in my future, and that I chose a career that I will like doing for the rest of my working life, but at this point I feel pretty useless.

There is the anxiety about my work, and money, but I also have anxiety about how quickly Benjamin and Asher are growing up!  They'll be seven months old on Tuesday, and I cannot believe how the time has flown.  Recently I looked at some pictures from the first couple of months, and the pictures look like they are of completely different babies.  Those babies were so small and helpless!  The babies I have now are big, active, and curious.  They are so strong, and when I watch them crawl around on the floor, and pick up and play with toys, it is hard to remember they used to be little floppy babies who could barely pick up their heads.  When they look at me, or Eric, or each other, and laugh, it makes those days of nothing but crying or sleeping a distant memory.  Other than not sleeping through the night, they are perfect right now.  I wish I could freeze them as they are for a little, to just enjoy this stage.

And so I feel guilty anytime I do something that is not focused on them-- like eat breakfast-- while they are awake.  They seem perfectly content to play with their toys, or in their exersaucer/jumperoo/walker while I eat, but in the back of my head, I always feel like I should be interacting with them.  So for the most part while they are awake, I am playing with them on the floor, reading them books, or feeding them, changing them, etc.  And around me, the house is going to pot.  Toys everywhere, dishes on the counter, baby socks scattered around the first floor (Seriously, socks for 6 month olds? Who love to eat their feet?  We have soggy socks all over the place!), mail in stacks by the door...  I can't stand the way the house looks, and yet I can't get the cleaning done, since they're not sleeping much at naps and I want to be with them while they are awake.

I guess I wish I knew I had made the right choices, and am doing the right things.  I tell myself I must be doing something right, since I have two boys who are thriving, happy children.  And Eric does not complain-- all this guilty and anxiety is self-inflicted.  I'm sorry for the long complaint, but it's been rattling around inside my head, and I wanted to get it out so I can get what will hopefully be a long, peaceful night's sleep.


  1. If G-d told you
    exactly what it was you were to do,
    you would be happy doing it
    no matter what it was.

    What you're doing is
    what G-d wants you to do.
    Be happy <3

  2. There will be plenty of time in your life for student loans and your degree... for now enjoy your babies at this awesome awesome stage in their lives! I think it's wonderful you get to spend so much time with them.