51 weeks

My boys are 51 weeks old today!  I can't believe that 1 week from now they will be 1 year old.

I'm having a hard time remembering what life was like without them.  I remember in the first few weeks after they were born, I would see things all over the house that hadn't been used since before they were born.  In our hall bath, my half-read magazine with wet handprints was still on the back of the toilet where I'd left it after taking a bath to ease my contractions.  I still had a drawer full of snacks in my nightstand from being on bed rest.  My drawers were full of maternity clothes.  Every time I saw one of those things, I felt a twinge of sadness for the peace and quiet I felt we'd lost forever.  Would I ever have time to take a bath by myself?  To read a magazine?

Now it seems our whole house has been touched by our boys.  Every room is filled with toys, there are baby clothes everywhere (including a random assortment of socks in all kinds of surprising places).  I drive a minivan.  And while I do sometimes mourn the past, and our freedom and independence, I think having children has made me happier than anything else I have ever done.

As I mentioned before, I am having a mix of emotions as their first birthday approaches.  On one hand, I am so proud of the boys my babies are becoming.  We have so much fun together, and I love watching the fun they have with others, too.  I am impressed that Eric and I survived a year with infant twins without killing each other, or letting anything drastically awful happen to the babies.  I'm proud of us for having tried so many new things, for having taken so many car trips, and for having fun through it all.  I'm excited to plan their first birthday party, and eager to have their friends and family join them to celebrate.

On the other hand, I have anxiety about how fast all this has gone.  The year has just flown by, and those sweet moments of a snuggly, small infant on my chest were just too short.  Right now, the boys are so much fun, and I worry that these moments will also be over before I know it.

I was having anxiety about weaning, which I had planned to do at 12 months, but now that 12 months is upon us, I am backing down from that decision.  The boys aren't taking their sippy cups very well (although I have not yet tried a straw sippy cup, which I think will be a better option for us), and we are all attached to the comfort of nursing.  Making the decision to keep nursing past 12 months really helped with some of my anxiety, but of course there is always more to feel anxious about!

I keep pulling clothes out of their drawers that they will never wear again.  I feel some sadness that so many "firsts" are behind us.  Their first spring, summer, fall, and winter.  Their first Christmas, first solid food, first visits to Cambridge, to Maine, to the beach, first snowflakes, first sledding... you get the picture.

It was such a year of wonder and excitement.  I have heard from other parents that it keeps getting better, and that each stage is filled with joys and pleasures.  I hope that this is true, because we are having such a wonderful time.  Each day, we have fun, we have hugs and kisses, and they seem to grow and learn.  I am so happy to see them every morning, and I never want to lose that feeling.  I hope 1 year is just the beginning.