Sunday, March 11, 2012

afraid of change

I have always been afraid of change.  In spite of that fear, I have lived many different places and tried different things, but always with a fair amount of anxiety involved.

I was folding the boys' clothes and thinking how several of the items that I love, which they have been wearing once a week or so for the past 4 months, are getting sort of small on them.  Pants that are starting to show their ankles, shirts that are starting to creep up over their bellies.  I started to think about how I will soon put those pants and shirts away, and they will never wear them again.  I remember going through this anxiety when they were little, and changing so much each minute, but the anxiety has been much lower until recently.
thumb-sucking Bear baby

With their second birthday approaching quickly, I am having similar feelings of anxiety- and of loss.  I know Eric thinks that I am missing out on the pleasure of the present when I worry about the future, and maybe to some degree I am, but it also keeps me mindful of how grateful I am for what I have.  In worrying about what I will lose, I am acknowledging how much all of this means to me.
Mr. No-Nap fell asleep in his chair again

The boys are so wonderful right now, even with their toddler boundary-testing.  They are so loving to each other, to Eric and me, and to their friends and family.  They love giving and getting kisses and hugs.  Asher, despite his independence and bravery, still has his moments of being a baby, and will crawl into my lap for a snuggle.  Benjamin is so funny- he loves to "argue" with us, and will say "no" no matter what we ask him, will tell me the sun is the moon, and that elephants are dogs.
hug in progress

Today the boys got new sneakers, and you could see how excited they were to have new shoes.  They wouldn't take them off and we walked out of the store with the tags still on!  I remembered shopping for their sneakers last August and watching them take tentative steps in them.  This time there was no stopping them.  At the playground, they are so physically capable and confident, when a year ago almost all the equipment was for children older than they were.  They are amazing little people.  I know that I am a crazy mom, and that of course I think my children are wonderful.  I just hope I always feel this way, and remember to take the time to appreciate them- and to know that my fear of the future is because I am so happy in the present.

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