36w1d: I think these babies are on their way...

It is 5:11 am.  Around 4 I woke up with a gasp (was I having a contraction?) and felt crampy and the urge to go to the bathroom.  I was unable to go (no pushing or straining!) but when I wiped and then looked into the bowl, I saw blood.  I began to panic!  I ran into our bedroom with my pajamas around my ankles and switched on the light and said, "I'm bleeding!"  I called my OB's message service and began running around the room, getting dressed and just generally waving my arms and being unproductive.  I told Eric to get dressed, but being his usual self he said, "I am going to wait til the doctor calls."

The doctor called and said that the blood was just "bloody show."  It's not really mucousy, but it's not enough to signal any kind of membrane rupture or serious problem.  He told me to wait til the contractions get to be 5-7 minutes apart and then call again to go in to Labor & Delivery, but that I did not need to come in that second.  Hmph, Eric was right again.

My contractions have started and really picked up the pace.  If they keep coming as fast as they are right now, I am going to have to call my OB back in half an hour!  These contractions are extremely painful and feel totally different from the Braxton-Hicks I had been having.  When they come on, all I can do is breathe and squirm.  And they are accompanied by the feeling like I really, really need to have a bowel movement (and I have been to the toilet with no luck in that area).

I can already tell this labor and delivery is not going to resemble my fantasy.  My fantasy: labor at home, breathing deeply, walking around, laughing and talking between contractions.  The reality: I am not having relief between contractions and don't want to move.  I want to go to the hospital NOW and find out what the hell is happening in there. 

My fantasy: Totally drug-free.  The reality: If I am in this much pain now, who am I kidding?  Epidural for sure.

My fantasy: a full night's sleep, I brush my hair prior to going to the hospital.  The reality: I am not sure I can stand up long enough to brush my hair.

But as long as my boys get here healthy, I am ok with an unflattering reality.  Check back for updates later!

Ha! 36 weeks!!!!!

Well, we did it!  We made it to 36 weeks, which is considered full-term for my sweet little boys.  Hurray!  I am so proud of myself, and of course thankful for all the help I got from Eric, our families, and our friends as we went through 12 weeks of bedrest.  It was all completely worth it!  I am ready to have these babies, and barring any disasters, we will be able to bring them home from the hospital with us.  What a huge relief!

Today we had a non-stress test and our last ultrasound.  The non-stress test was completely uneventful, the babies did their usual performance and I didn't contract.  While I was lying there, my OB stopped in to say hello.  He asked if I wanted an internal this week, and I said no.  He said he thinks I am probably dilated.  Well, great, but if I'm not in labor and my water hasn't broken, who cares?  Then he pulled out his Blackberry and looked at his calendar and told me if I didn't go into labor, they would want to induce me sometime during the week of April 5.  And then left!  No actual date, no talk about the process...

I know it is silly, but I had really been hoping for some kind of pat on the back, some kind of comment that here we were, 36 weeks, after he hospitalized me at 27 weeks saying, "just get to 30, ok?"  But nothing!  I made some kind of comment, and he said, "Well, the babies are actually putting less pressure on your cervix now because they're bigger."  Ok, thanks.  I am not 100% sure how that makes sense.  Maybe now that A's head is bigger it won't simply slip out of my vagina but will instead have to be pushed? 

Later he came in at the end of my growth scan.  The growth scan showed that the babies have continued to grow (A is estimated at about 5.5 lbs, and B is about 5 lbs), and all their parts are continuing to function perfectly.  They are both using their lungs in there, which is great to see, since they are going to need those lungs once they are on the outside.  Fluid levels are also good.  They are all cramped in there, it really looks like a tight squeeze!  B's feet are all the way up under my breasts.  I knew this because he often kicks the underwire on my bra, but it was funny having the woman put the ultrasound sensor up so high trying to get a measurement of his leg.  At this point, I feel like baby measurements must be such a rough estimate, I can see that all their pieces are totally squeezed and the ultrasound tech is only getting vague pictures to measure.  So different from 20 weeks when they were swimming around with all the room they needed!

Anyway, my OB came in and so I fortunately got a chance to ask some more questions.  He said that he won't be delivering the week of April 5th, so if I need to be induced, the other OB in the practice (who I have seen, and like, but have not seen since 28 weeks) will do it.  So my OB didn't want to talk about induction and told me to make an appointment with the other OB to discuss the induction.  I also told him that I am planning to have a doula at the birth.  He said that was fine if that was what I wanted, but that in his opinion, we didn't need one.  He said that he thought doulas interfered and took away from the father's participation in the birth.

The doula we're planning to have is an old family friend, and I don't think that she will interfere.  In fact, when we last met with her, she said she would not tell us what to do during the labor, but would be there to offer support.  I am not worried about her interfering, and when we met with her, both Eric and my mom felt like they definitely wanted her around for the birth.

Overall, I kind of felt like my OB took the wind out of my sails.  I hate to feel that way, I shouldn't feel any less happy with our progress and accomplishments, or any less excited about the fact that I have two perfect, healthy boys wiggling away in my belly. And I don't, I just wish that my OB had reflected back some of that excitement to me (oh my god, what a therapist thing to say!).  It felt like getting twin pregnancies to 36 weeks happens all the time for him, so no big deal.  This kind of laid-back style worked well when I was panicking over my cervix, because it felt like, yes, cervixes shorten but we'll make it, no big deal.  It was calming and reassuring.  But now that I am excited, I want that from him and apparently that isn't in his repertoire. 

I contrast this with my fertility doctor, who gets hundreds of women pregnant every year, but still seemed overjoyed to see me healthy and pregnant.  In a way, I am hoping the other OB does my delivery, because he does tend to be a little more upbeat and positive at times, and if I need cheering on through the pushing, he might be more likely to give it.

Oh, and my other complaint is that no one ever called me with the results of my Group B Strep test.  It is negative, which is nice (although even if it were positive it would really not be a huge deal).  But no one called.  I ended up asking the nurse who does the non-stress tests if she could peek in my chart and tell me.

In the end, obviously my happiness and excitement outweigh the disappointment in my OB.  I have, for the most part, gotten excellent care from my OB and am so lucky that we got constant attention for weeks and weeks to reassure me that all was well with my babies.  And I am now overjoyed that we can happily wait for my labor to start, and when it does, we can leave for the hospital and look forward to coming home as a family.  I packed my post-labor hospital bag, with a coming home outfit for me (maternity pants, a nursing tank, and a sweater) and the boys' coming home outfits.  I chose for the boys these adorable blue and white onesies that my mom bought them in Paris.  They have bunnies on the front, and the bunnies have a small white button as their tails.  I just know the boys will be so cute that I could eat them up!

35w5d: a thank you note

So now that we are very close to 36 weeks and what would be considered "full term" for my twins, I just want to make note of just how much I appreciate how hard my body is working.  After needing fertility treatments to get pregnant, I felt like I was broken.  Until that point I had taken for granted my health and my strength, and I suddenly felt as though my body had failed me.

When I got pregnant, I felt elated.  I made good eggs; together Eric and I made healthy embryos!  I hoped that my body would just take it from there.  I had some bleeding in the first trimester that scared me, but the bleeding quickly stopped and the pregnancy continued.  I had an easy first trimester, with minimal nausea, no vomiting, no real weight gain or loss.  Everyone said I looked wonderful, and I felt great!  On into my second trimester, where I got to exercising, we ate better.  I felt like I was good at being pregnant.  I thought, "I definitely want to be pregnant again."

And then we found my cervix was shortening, and again I felt as though my body was failing me.  Why couldn't my cervix do this one job?  What if it dilated and I lost my babies?  It wasn't supposed to go that way.

I know part of getting this far is my compliance with bedrest, but the rest of it is pure luck.  Plenty of people have shortening cervixes, go on bedrest, and lose the pregnancy.  In my case, I can't say whether it was catching the shortening at just the right time, or using progesterone suppositories, or just that what small piece of cervix I had left would have stuck it out no matter what.  But, regardless, I feel grateful to my body for doing this job.  It is no small feat to gain this weight, to grow these babies, and to keep them in for all this time.  I am amazed that in the past 2 weeks, despite my regular activity, my cervix has still held on.

Everywhere I go I carry my belly proudly.  I want to tell all the people watching me waddle by, "Don't pity me!  I'm lucky to be this big!"  I wouldn't have it any other way.  I feel lucky not only that I have made it this far, but that I am relatively comfortable.  I don't have heartburn, I still have ankles, I can sleep most nights without any kind of pillow fortress.  I'm back to thinking, "I am definitely going to do pregnancy again!"  My stamina is quickly returning, and I feel like my body is strong and healthy.  So I wanted to express my gratitude.

Last night I noticed my first stretch mark.  It is not big, it is on my right side a little below my belly button.  It itches.  I'm a little sad because I was so excited to be getting out of a twin pregnancy without a stretch mark, but I am also pleased, because it means I have stayed pregnant long enough, and grown my babies big enough, to get one.  Now, if I could just not get any more before I give birth...

Tonight I cooked dinner all by myself!  It was one of the "fast" recipes from Bon Appetit (the April issue, it was shrimp and grits), so it was not meant to take long, but I did it all alone.  Then I helped clean up.  I really enjoyed making dinner and the feeling of independence.

Today my dad came over, and he and Eric hung the vinyl wall decal in the nursery.  It is a brown tree with a white owl on the long branch.  I love it, and I think that it will transition well from baby to little boy room.  Here is a picture (and please excuse that Eric left crap on top of the dresser):

35w4d: Mixed emotions

We are living what are obviously our final days without kids, our final days as just a couple and not a family, as just us and not as two little someones' parents.  I know that once I got pregnant the countdown started, and that with the short cervix scare our babies could have come much earlier, but now I know I will be a mom sometime between now and about two weeks from now.  Two weeks! 

My thoughts and emotions are very scattered.  There is the part of me that thinks, with every kick and shift, just how much I can't wait to meet my sons.  I look at the 3D pictures of their faces I got at 28 weeks and can't wait to touch their chubby cheeks, kiss their tiny toes, pat their little backs...  I love them so much and we haven't met.  I look at their car seats and imagine their little bodies settled in to come home with us from the hospital and I feel so eager to reach that moment.

And at the same time, I feel panicky about the end of our lives as we know them.  On Saturday morning, we woke up and the sun was shining.  We were just lying in bed, cuddling with each other and the cats, with nothing to rush off to or attend to.  In the back of my mind I thought, "What if this is our last weekend like this?"  I wanted to bottle it up and save it, those are the moments I love.  Just like I love the weekend mornings where we look at each other and just know that we both want brunch and we run out to one of our local brunch places to beat the families with kids. 

I love our freedom and our flexibility.  Sometimes on the weekends we just decide to go to New York, or DC.  Or do nothing at all.  I know that we can still travel with our kids, but I also know that we will be up early every day, feeding and taking care of them.  I know we'll be tired, and we won't get to just sit at the table after dinner talking and laughing, we'll be rushing to hold someone or feed someone, or do some other chore.

So I'm feeling very clingy, and like I want to spend every second with Eric that I can.  Of course, he wants time alone, because he loves his quiet time.  But I am valuing every second we have, every quiet moment I have in the bath, or sleeping in, or watching my garbage TV uninterrupted.

(Side thought-- if playing classical music while your kids are in utero makes them smarter, did I rot my babies' brains by watching crappy re-runs while on bedrest?  Will they come out knowing the dialogue to Friends re-runs?)

Tonight I am feeling very tired.  I didn't do all that much today, I did laundry in the morning, and then in the afternoon I did one outing and went to the grocery store (by myself!).  Then I stopped at my parents' house to feed their cats.  They went on a mini-vacation to Long Island to wine taste and eat.  They were going to stay until tomorrow, but I got a call today that they are coming back late tonight because my mom's tummy hurts from too much eating!  After my outing I came home and spent some time on the couch.  Eric and I cooked dinner together, and then back to the couch.  I feel like I've been having some very light contractions, but they are short and I have not been timing them.  I figure when real contractions start I won't be able to brush them off or say, "was that a contraction?" 

While resting today, I watched Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution (I think that's what it's called) on Hulu.  I got all upset with Eric for not eating enough fruits and vegetables and told him he needs to set a better example for our kids.  So I asked, did he want salad or raw snap peas for dinner?  He said snap peas.  Well, you should have seen his face when he ate the first one!  It was like I was trying to poison him!  He had some raw baby carrots instead.  I guess I now know that I better cook the veggies first...  I did offer to steam the snap peas, or make some frozen broccoli, or heat up some leftover asparagus, but he refused everything.  We have a way to go, it seems.

35w2d: What a beautiful day!

We are having beautiful, unseasonably warm spring-like weather here.  All the trees are starting to bud and all our plants are beginning to come up.  I've been enjoying the past few days by going outside for a little everyday.

Today began with brunch with my friend Alex and her husband Michael.  We had good food, and good conversation.  They live in town, and Michael kindly commented on how spacious and sunny the suburbs are.  I am more accustomed to our city friends putting down the suburbs, so that was nice to hear!  One day perhaps they will join us out here with kids, too, but in the meantime they seem to have a great time in town.  When they were saying their goodbyes we realized that in all likelihood, the next time we see them the boys will be on the outside.

Then my friends Shoshana and Jen came over.  Jen lives pretty far away now so I haven't seen her since October.  This was her make-up visit since she missed my shower, but actually, this was way better than if she had actually been at the shower.  They brought picnic food, but we ended up eating out on the back deck (way easier for me than getting up and down off the ground).  We sat in the sun and had bellinis, baguette, cheese, fruit, and chips with mango salsa.  It was perfect!  You can see Shoshana and Jen and our lunch in the top picture.  While we gossiped and ate, Eric went out for a long bike ride.

Originally we had dinner plans with another couple, but they had to cancel.  Eric was fine with this because he does not like when I over-commit us socially.  We got Thai food take-out and then went out for an ice cream cone.  Eric said that a woman in the ice cream shop saw my belly and had a very shocked expression on her face.  Yes, I'm huge!  I told Eric if I go past 36 weeks I want him to print a T-shirt for me that says, "I am full-term with twins!" so that when I go out people will know why I am so big.

Eric tried to take a picture of me with Jen and Shoshana.  In the first picture below, he looked at it and said, "Hmm, that's not a great angle for you... you look like a giant body with a tiny head on top."  So I shifted, and he took another and said, "Hmm, that's not great either..." but we gave up and decided that at this point, I am out of good angles.  No matter how you cut it, my midsection is running large.  Maybe a picture from behind?  So, here is Attempt #1:

And Attempt #2:

I just have to say, these babies better be BIG and healthy when they get here.  I am so not used to myself looking like this.  And it's crazy, because I still have normal arms, legs, ankles, and face.  It is from the collar bone to my butt that is problematic.

Tonight Eric and I settled on the couch to watch a movie (Pirate Radio), and had to take a bathroom break.  While we were upstairs, Eric said, "Where are our babies?" (By babies, he means our cats.  Terminology that will probably have to change in the near future.)  He walked into the nursery, and there they were, Peanut sleeping in one crib, and Trouble sleeping in the other!  I sent Eric running for his phone to take a picture, but I was laughing so hard that Peanut got scared and leaped out of his crib and ran away.  Here is a picture of Trouble in his crib:

We are hoping that they will lose interest in the cribs when there are human babies in them.  Don't worry, we don't plan to let the babies (human) sleep with the cats and will do research to make sure it doesn't happen.

There is also some less-good news about our sweet Trouble.  He threw up on Thursday night and it was strange.  Not food throw up, and a lot of it and he seemed a little upset.  So as soon as we got home from my non-stress test on Friday (oh yeah, the non-stress test was fine, I'm still pregnant) I called the vet and made an appointment for him.  The vet is worried that he has Irritable Bowel Disease.  The first step was for us to change their food.  Eric and I had been feeding them an adult formula from Costco and the vet said that this is the equivalent of McDonald's for cats.  I was mortified!  I would NEVER feed my children a daily diet of McDonald's, so my cats shouldn't eat it, either.  We went to the pet store and got him a sensitive tummy formula.  The vet also recommended 5 mg of Pepcid AC a day.  Trouble has always acted his usual self, so I was surprised that he might be so sick!  He had lost 2 pounds since the previous summer, and the vet said that is unusual at his young age.  If Trouble's tummy troubles don't ease up in the next month, then we will have to get him an ultrasound to rule in or out the Irritable Bowel Disease.  My sweet boy, we will do whatever he needs!  He was clingy the rest of the day Friday and today is back to his usual napping, affectionate, handsome self.  Both Peanut and Trouble seem to adore their new food and have eaten quite enthusiastically.   It is probably 3 times as much as we were spending at Costco, but like I said, we will do whatever it takes for them.

Also, today is my dad's birthday!  Happy Birthday, Dad!  He and my mom went down to DC to spend the day with my sister so I didn't get to see him.  Tomorrow my parents are taking a short vacation to Long island, so we are going to have to delay my dad's birthday celebration for a while.  He is impossible to buy for, but he loves red meat, so our usual gift to him is a nice steak and bottle of red wine.  That's what he'll be having this year, too.

35 weeks!

Well, who thought we would make it here?  I was pretty sure I would have my babies on the outside at this point, but I am so thrilled that they are still baking away inside me.  I definitely want at least 1 more week out of this, and know I can do it, physically I am comfortable enough and feel that I have enough stamina.  Now let's hope my body cooperates...  I am going to make it short tonight because it is late and we have to get up early for my non-stress test, internal exam (yuck!), and Group B strep test. 

Today was a good day-- we got our nursery furniture delivered!  The nursery pictures will follow this week's pregnancy stats:

How far along?  35 weeks
Total weight gain/loss?  We are done talking weight.
Maternity clothes?  Yes... I am down to about 2 pairs of pants, several tank tops, and anything loose that will fit on my top.
Stretch marks? Still no stretch marks.  I have heard that sometimes they appear post-partum, but I hope this is not the case.
Sleep?  Pretty lousy.  I have trouble falling asleep because I contract at night, and then I am waking up to pee frequently, and I am tired of sleeping on my left side.  I miss sleeping on my tummy.
Best moment last week? Getting oohed and ahhed over by my fertility doctor and his staff.
Movement?  I am feeling a little less.  I feel B much less than A.  They are most active when I want to sleep (this habit better not stick after they are born!).
Food cravings? No real cravings.  We are eating healthily, and I have lots of fruit, vegetables, low-fat dairy, etc.  I have always liked to eat healthy food.
Gender? Two boys!
Labor signs? Plenty of Braxton-Hicks.  I almost called the OB last night after having them 9 minutes apart for an hour and a half, but then they stopped.  Thank goodness, I would not have wanted to be at the hospital overnight!
Belly button in/out? It is still in.  It just might stay that way.
What I miss: Sleeping on my belly, going to exercise outside now that the weather is beautiful, and drinking a cold alcoholic beverage (I'm not much of a drinker even when I'm not pregnant, but this warm weather and sunshine seem to require an icy drink like a mojito).
What I am looking forward to: Making it another week... I really want to make it to 36.
Milestones: Yesterday I did a bunch of errands, and walking, and came home and cooked potato salad and crab cakes.  I feel like my stamina is returning and that I have a lot of my independence back.

And now, the nursery!  This first picture is of one of the cribs.  We will put way all of the blankets on top of the shelf in front of the window, those are all their handmade blankets and quilts, lucky boys!

This is the double dresser with changing pad on top.  We have a vinyl decal of a tree that we hope to hang this weekend over the dresser.

And, someone thinks the crib is for him.  I am hoping that this won't be a problem once there is a baby in the crib, but I think he just wanted to check out the new furniture.

I would also like some art or something to hang on the walls over each crib, but it is not a major priority at this point in time.  I don't think these pictures quite do the room justice, but it looks great and I am very pleased with the furniture we chose (Munire's Urban line).

34w5d: Do they really let people like me have kids?

Well, I am hoping it is just pregnancy hormones/ pregnancy brain, but over the past few days, I have been more than a little klutzy.  I am trying hard to be helpful and take care of myself so that Eric can work, and I hope he knows how much I have appreciated him doing everything for me.  Unfortunately, it often backfires.  On Saturday night, I went to fill the Brita pitcher and put the faucet in the pitcher.... and walked away.  I poured water all over the counter and the floor!  Eric was totally annoyed, but I said, "it's just water, no big deal!"

So yesterday I was independently making myself a lovely snack (some apple and cheese, some toast, some tea) and then carried it over to the chaise part of our couch where I spend a great deal of my time.  I put the tray down and promptly spilled the entire mug of tea all over my right knee and the chaise and the cushions...  I screamed, because I burnt myself, and Eric came running.  I pulled my pants off and was running around the downstairs with my pants around my ankles, trying to get some ice on to my knee, and Eric was tearing the cushions off the couch and trying to clean up in the hopes that it wouldn't stain.  I seriously hope that no one saw us!  What is more scary than a gigantic pregnant woman with no pants on?  Eric was not thrilled.  I think he would have been happier to have made me a cup of tea than to deal with that mess.

To make up for it, I decided to make dinner.  No real cooking; my mom had left us a bunch of frozen meatballs and Eric's mom had left us batches of spaghetti sauce, so I got those going and started roasting asparagus in the oven.  The asparagus was done (perfectly done, if I may say so myself), and I pulled the tray out of the oven and decided to carefully place it on the countertop in a place where it wouldn't burn the counter.  In making room for the tray, I casually flung a dishtowel on to the lit burner that was on for the spaghetti water.  I didn't even notice until I smelled something burning...  Fortunately there are all of 12 inches between the stove and the sink so I threw the towel into the sink and doused it with water before things got out of hand.  But I'm not so sure I am safe around things like fire anymore!

Then I think, if I can't handle these simple tasks, what am I going to do with two babies who will require me to do things I've never done before?  Let's just hope I don't put them on top of a lit burner for safe-keeping.

We are definitely starting to nest.  Everyday we clean and organize a little more.  We've washed all of the babies clothes and linens and are now just waiting for cribs and the dresser to finish the nursery.  We're putting things away all over the house because our cleaning man comes tomorrow and we think it might be our last cleaning before we bring the babies home.  I have taken all of my pregnancy books off the shelves to give to someone else.  Today I put things in a bag to take to the hospital, because Eric is not 100% convinced that I'll be coming home from my doctor's appointment on Friday, so he wants the bag ready before we leave for the appointment.

Physically, I feel both good and bad in one day.  I usually wake up feeling pretty energetic, and by the evening I feel very tired and my uterus feels very sore.  Today I felt great in the morning, I got up and had breakfast, and my mom and I made plans for lunch.  We went to lunch, did some organizing, walked outside a little, and then I felt exhausted and like I was contracting.  My sleep at night is not great; other than last night I have had contractions late at night that keep me up, on top of waking up several times a night to pee.  The cats seem extra-clingy (see today's photo!) and usually pin me in place in bed, which makes my hips sore.  Sometimes I wonder how people make it to 38 weeks...  And sometimes I panic that these babies will be here way too soon.

We received our census form in the mail, and Eric wanted me to fill it out so we could send it back.  But the first question is, "How many people were living or staying in this house on April 1, 2010?" and we realized that we won't know the answer to that question until April 2, 2010.  So the form will have to wait.  But we keep having these moments where we realize how soon our lives will be changed forever.