Monday, March 22, 2010

35w4d: Mixed emotions

We are living what are obviously our final days without kids, our final days as just a couple and not a family, as just us and not as two little someones' parents.  I know that once I got pregnant the countdown started, and that with the short cervix scare our babies could have come much earlier, but now I know I will be a mom sometime between now and about two weeks from now.  Two weeks! 

My thoughts and emotions are very scattered.  There is the part of me that thinks, with every kick and shift, just how much I can't wait to meet my sons.  I look at the 3D pictures of their faces I got at 28 weeks and can't wait to touch their chubby cheeks, kiss their tiny toes, pat their little backs...  I love them so much and we haven't met.  I look at their car seats and imagine their little bodies settled in to come home with us from the hospital and I feel so eager to reach that moment.

And at the same time, I feel panicky about the end of our lives as we know them.  On Saturday morning, we woke up and the sun was shining.  We were just lying in bed, cuddling with each other and the cats, with nothing to rush off to or attend to.  In the back of my mind I thought, "What if this is our last weekend like this?"  I wanted to bottle it up and save it, those are the moments I love.  Just like I love the weekend mornings where we look at each other and just know that we both want brunch and we run out to one of our local brunch places to beat the families with kids. 

I love our freedom and our flexibility.  Sometimes on the weekends we just decide to go to New York, or DC.  Or do nothing at all.  I know that we can still travel with our kids, but I also know that we will be up early every day, feeding and taking care of them.  I know we'll be tired, and we won't get to just sit at the table after dinner talking and laughing, we'll be rushing to hold someone or feed someone, or do some other chore.

So I'm feeling very clingy, and like I want to spend every second with Eric that I can.  Of course, he wants time alone, because he loves his quiet time.  But I am valuing every second we have, every quiet moment I have in the bath, or sleeping in, or watching my garbage TV uninterrupted.

(Side thought-- if playing classical music while your kids are in utero makes them smarter, did I rot my babies' brains by watching crappy re-runs while on bedrest?  Will they come out knowing the dialogue to Friends re-runs?)

Tonight I am feeling very tired.  I didn't do all that much today, I did laundry in the morning, and then in the afternoon I did one outing and went to the grocery store (by myself!).  Then I stopped at my parents' house to feed their cats.  They went on a mini-vacation to Long Island to wine taste and eat.  They were going to stay until tomorrow, but I got a call today that they are coming back late tonight because my mom's tummy hurts from too much eating!  After my outing I came home and spent some time on the couch.  Eric and I cooked dinner together, and then back to the couch.  I feel like I've been having some very light contractions, but they are short and I have not been timing them.  I figure when real contractions start I won't be able to brush them off or say, "was that a contraction?" 

While resting today, I watched Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution (I think that's what it's called) on Hulu.  I got all upset with Eric for not eating enough fruits and vegetables and told him he needs to set a better example for our kids.  So I asked, did he want salad or raw snap peas for dinner?  He said snap peas.  Well, you should have seen his face when he ate the first one!  It was like I was trying to poison him!  He had some raw baby carrots instead.  I guess I now know that I better cook the veggies first...  I did offer to steam the snap peas, or make some frozen broccoli, or heat up some leftover asparagus, but he refused everything.  We have a way to go, it seems.

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