This past week I have been pretty consumed with thinking about work, my career, and what my next step should be. Tuesday a week ago, I had scheduled a new client to come in at 1 pm for a crisis appointment. At 1:15 when she hadn't showed, I called to check... turns out her husband had managed to get her an appointment somewhere else the night before, and so she wasn't coming in... but they had forgotten to call. So I spent 6 hours in New Jersey and only worked for 3 of them. The money I earned barely paid for our nanny. And I was so annoyed, being away from home while paying someone else to take care of my babies. I ended up spending those 3 hours applying to 2 other jobs. Two jobs that are full-time.
Ever since, I have been going back and forth in my head. Pros, cons, pros, cons. The pros of a full-time job are: steady income, hours for licensure, and the jobs I applied to are a shorter commute. The con, which might outweigh any pros: I would be away from my boys 40+ hours a week.
I have been fortunate, because I have gotten interviews at both the places to which I had applied. The interviews seemed to go well, and both said they would like to see me for a second round interview. I already prefer one place over the other, and if they make me an offer, it will be hard to refuse.
But I think that if I can make things work at my current job, I think I would be happy. I need to work more days per week, and I need more clients on those days. I told my supervisor about my concerns, and she thinks she can work things out.
I have tried to tell myself that we will all be fine if I work full-time. I am sure my boys would be! But would I? Just being away from them yesterday for work and this morning for the job interview felt like too much time away. And I can't even begin to imagine my exhaustion working full-time and being a mom in my other hours.
I know I have been so lucky to have had all this time with them, and that some moms get 6 weeks and that's it. I know these are the ramblings of a privileged woman. But perhaps I've been spoiled, and now I can't stand to think about being separated from my babies. I have heard other working moms say that they felt being at home was like losing their identity, but I have not felt that way. I would never give up my career, but I just don't know if I am ready to make it my sole focus at this point. I am so happy as a mom, and I really do cherish my time with the boys.
In the midst of all this dithering and ambivalence, Eric sent me this picture while I was at work yesterday: