mommy anxiety

The boys have their first day of school on Tuesday, and I am so anxious and guilty about it.  We went to the open house at school on Friday and the boys got to see their classroom and meet their teacher.  They completely ignored their teacher and the assistants, but seemed taken with the toys.  All the kids tore the place apart, and I did feel some relief at the fact that it wasn't my job to clean up after them!

I just keep worrying- will the teachers notice if their diapers are dirty and change them? Will the teachers help them eat their lunch if they are having trouble with a fork or spoon?  How are they supposed to nap on a mat on the floor in a room full of kids when they are used to their comfortable beds at home?  What if they are sad, or get hurt- who will hug them and love them and help them feel better?  What kind of mom am I to send my kids off to school?  Did I make a huge mistake?

I also feel guilty because I work at night, so I won't even be there after their first day of school to give them hugs, dinner, and tuck them into bed.  What kind of mommy does that?!?

I just try to convince myself that they will have all kinds of experiences and interactions with peers at school that I couldn't provide them at home.  They will do projects, get swim lessons, meet new people.  So far in life they have been very adaptable and agreeable, so I hope they will adapt to this.  I'm the one who has a lot of trouble with change!

That's a common theme for me- I hate change!  Although there are things I enjoy year-round, I feel anxiety and unhappiness as the time for change approaches.  The end of the summer always makes me feel a little sad, even though there are many things I love about fall.

Yesterday we took the boys for a swim at the pool, and it was just the 4 of us there, playing in the water, eating our lunch.  The boys are so sweet and so fun, and in the middle of enjoying all of it, I caught myself thinking, "what if this is our last time at the pool just the 4 of us?"  The weather has just turned cooler, and the pool was already kind of chilly.  This is the boys' 3rd summer and the first where we've really had them enjoy swimming, things have finally fallen into place... and now it is ending.

I have really enjoyed every stage with my guys, but right now they really seem to be the most fun.  Their little senses of humor and personalities come out more each day.  I love (almost) every minute with them, and I hate that at moments I get distracted by worrying about how it will all be changing so soon.

I think that's it for my worries for now... School starts on Tuesday and I just have to hope I can sleep that night and hold it together in front of them as they start.  If Asher cries and clings to me... heaven help me.