I am not sure what to say- it has been a very difficult week. After my grandmother passed away on Friday, I got word on Saturday morning that a former client of mine had also died on Friday, most likely a suicide. I just felt like I couldn't bear it, it was too much sadness all at once.
We spent the weekend mourning, and remembering, my grandma. There were parts that were nice- my sister and I went on a long jog, I got to see cousins, family, and friends who I don't see often, and there was a lot of food at all times. But we also cried, and I went to bed with a headache from crying every night.
The hard part now is seeing my grandpa. He keeps saying, "I'll be with her soon" and "I'm not long for this world." For his sake, I hope he is not around for long- he seems so sad and lonely. Understandably; he lost his wife of 69 years. He doesn't really have much to live for. Of course I will miss him when he is gone, but when I look at him, the spark is gone from his eyes. I truly cannot imagine how he feels, given how bereft everyone else feels.
We're trying to get back to our lives. I'm grateful for my children, because they keep me busy with day-to-day activities, and remind me of how wonderful life can be. They are sweet, perfect miracles. And that's life- my grandmother gave life to my mother, who gave life to me, so I could give it to my children. Now we have to carry out her legacy.
Here are the things I hope we carry on:
and many more, but those are the few that first come to mind. I hope that in my life, and in my children's lives, we are as happy and fulfilled as she was.
In terms of moving on, I am getting ready to run a 10 mile race in 2 weeks. I am really not sure how I'll do it, or if I'll actually finish, but we'll see. Today I ran a 5k with Charlotte in the stroller, and I ran every mile under 10 minutes. I know this isn't particularly fast for people who are real runners, but a 10-minute mile is about as good as I get, and to do it with a baby in a stroller is an accomplishment for me.
We have the boys' birthday party next weekend, for which I've done about zero planning. No plates/cups/napkins, no decorations, nothing. I will, of course, bake them cake, and I figure if I order pizza, no one will care about anything else.
Throughout this past week, I've felt so lucky to have the friends and family we have. So many people turned up for the funeral and to sit shiva. We were given more food than we could eat. People were generous with their time and with their gifts. There were phone calls and cards. I know I have a great family, and I rely on them a great deal, but now I know we have friends we can rely on as well.
I know this post was all over the place, but so is my mind. Charlotte turns 4 months old tomorrow, so there will be more, and happier, things to think about.