26w4d: Bedrest Breakdown #2

Let me begin by saying that today definitely had highlights.  I had two visitors, a Starbucks cappuccino, and some delicious fresh fruit (melon and pineapple, two things Eric doesn't really know how to shop for).  And let me also say that through pregnancy, I have been pretty even-keeled.  Eric called it "crazy" when I snapped it him ONCE for making hamburgers wrong.  One snap, once.  In the entire IVF/pregnancy process.  And let me tell you that Eric was making those burgers at 8 pm after I had been at work and hadn't eaten.  So pregnant with twins + no dinner and it's 8:15 = justifiable snap.  And the first time I cried about anything was over Bedrest Breakdown #1 (see entry for Jan. 7  at 25 weeks).

But, this morning I got the call from the nurse at my OB's office saying I failed my 1-hour glucose test by 5 points.  5 points!  Ugh.  So, I have to go in for a 3-hour fasting glucose test.  This involved me calling the lab to schedule the test.  When I called the lab I told them that I'm on bedrest and need a place to recline while I'm there.  They have recliners in the back of the lab that I've seen, and I can't be the first pregnant woman on bedrest to need this 3-hour test... but the woman at the lab said there was nowhere for me to recline.  But I'm not allowed to leave the hospital.  So the lab lady says, "Maybe you can go lie down at your OB's office?"  I called back to my OB's office, and the nurse said that I could, indeed, come up there in between blood draws.  I said, "Ok, do I need to worry about walking back and forth?" (It is a short walk, and then an elevator in between.)  She said, "No, have your husband come and push you in a wheelchair."  A wheelchair!  This does not fit with my self-concept of myself as able-bodied.  And it means that rather than have Eric drop me off and then come pick me up 3 hours later, he has to come spend all 3 hours with me and push my stupid wheelchair around.  Ugh!

I had also been emailing with someone from my parents' synagogue about getting a free glider from him.  We don't have a glider, and the one I registered for from Target is close to $200.  For $200 we can pretty much buy the car seats we need, and frankly, I want those!  So I would like to check out the gliders, and asked the man from the synagogue if he could email pictures.  He said he was worried about the lighting, how about in person?  Well, I can't go over there, what with having my ass glued to the couch.  So I volunteered Eric to go.  Then I let Eric know I had volunteered him.  I acknowledge that I did not do things in the proper order.  But I jumped on it because 1) it was free and 2) our progress on the nursery thus far is that we have ordered cribs that have not yet arrived (more on the nursery in another post).

Naturally, Eric was upset.  He has been working like crazy because his company is preparing their product to launch at the PGA convention in Orlando in a week and a half.  He worked all weekend.  He has been working from 8 am to 10 pm almost everyday, with breaks to eat or assist me.  But that's crazy, I could have married a lawyer for those hours!  Anyway, he is stressed out, I am adding to his stress.  I could tell he was upset with me.  I burst into tears.  I am so frustrated at not being able to do the things I want.  I am finally ready to prepare a nursery for our boys, because I am finally feeling like we are going to come home from the hospital with babies.  

I want that normal-mommy experience, of planning for your babies, of making a home for them.  And I am so frustrated that I can't really do it, and that I am supposed to take a wheelchair tomorrow, and that I can't do anything other than use the toilet and shower without someone else's help. 

I am hopeful that tomorrow will be another (and better) day. 

The picture is of Trouble expressing his feelings in regards to "The Bachelor."  His assessment: not worth his time.

26w3d: The Kindness of Others

Here is a picture of the inside of our refrigerator.  We have two different kinds of soup, spaghetti and meat sauce, steak, potatoes, various vegetables, turkey cutlets, three kinds of bread, cheeses, lunch meats, eggs, milk, yogurt, salad ingredients, fruits...  It is so full in there that we can't fit another thing in!  I wanted to cut up a melon and couldn't because there isn't any room to refrigerate it!  So tonight is leftover night, I am hoping that we can finish up some food and make room.  The majority of the leftovers are food gifts from friends and neighbors, and of course my mom.  It has made such a big difference, since Eric is working like crazy and often doesn't have time to make anything complicated.

There is not much new here.  Peanut has stayed glued to me all day today.  It has been a very quiet weekend.  After guests for dinner on Friday night, we have not had any company.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty down.  During the week it is not so hard to be on bedrest.  Everyone goes to work and complains about it.  I am doing what everyone who wakes up at 6 am and goes to the office, fighting bad weather and rush hour traffic wishes they could do: staying in bed in my pajamas!  But on the weekend, the rest of the world gets to do the fun stuff, like meeting people for brunch, shopping, going out to dinner at a nice restaurant with their significant other... and I am home watching bad TV.  And weekend TV is really the pits, they put on all kinds of lousy movies that I don't even know who watches them.  I also didn't feel that well physically, I was having a lot of Braxton-Hicks (none of them consistent or close enough together to warrant calling the OB) and that got me worrying.  I also decided I wasn't feeling the babies enough and worried about that.  So a bad emotional day combined with a bad physical day was just plain lousy.  After dinner, I watched "It's Complicated" and ate some ice cream, which helped.

All I can think about is the end of bedrest and what will happen between now and then.  In a couple of weeks my sister will come and visit, she is babysitting me while Eric is in Orlando at a convention and my mom is in Asia.  The following weekend my mom comes home, and then it is Valentine's weekend.  I sincerely hope that Eric will do something for me for Valentine's Day!  And then my in-laws come, and after they leave, I will be 31 weeks and almost at the end of the bedrest road.  Not so bad if I lay it out like that...

And here is a picture of my buddy-of-the-day:

26w1d: The week's stats

How far along?  26 weeks, 1 day
Total weight gain/loss?  Given my lack of gaining, I decided I could bear to look at the scale.  According to the scale, I have gained a total of 23 pounds with the pregnancy, which, for a twin pregnancy is not much. I am up 0 pounds from last week, again.
Maternity clothes?  Yes, today I am wearing maternity leggings with a non-maternity dress.
Stretch marks? None!  Let's keep this up.
Sleep?  This week my sleep has been MUCH better.  I even had Eric buy Tylenol PM for me, but I haven't needed it at all.  I think part of the better sleep might be related to the fact that Eric went and bought us a humidifier.  He is snoring less, and I am able to sleep with my mouth closed, which is much more comfortable for me.
Best moment last week? Getting told everything is still stable, and that I can do more things once I hit 32 weeks.
Movement?  Still feeling the babies all the time.  Today I haven't felt anything major, just kicks and flutters.
Food cravings?  I will crave almost any food you mention to me.  Nothing has made me order Eric to go out and get me something, but whatever I see cooked on Food Network, I want.  I definitely print out at least one recipe a day for someone to cook for me.  And my friend Shoshana went to Wendy's to get me a Frosty the other night.
Gender? Two boys, still.
Labor signs? None, just my usual Braxton-Hicks.
Belly button in/out? In.  Still have a little ways to go before it's flat.
What I miss: Paris!  My mom is there now and I would love to be there and eating some good French food.
What I am looking forward to: I think this week is a slow one.  I am looking forward to Wednesday, when I enter the 3rd trimester, and Thursday which will be my bedrest halfway point.
Milestones:  No real milestones, just the accomplishment of being pregnant another week.

No news from the OB about the outcome of my glucose test.  So I guess I have all weekend (and maybe Monday?) to not know.  I'm not going to worry about it, but I am eager to hear the results.

Today my friend Dan brought me lunch from Five Guys.  I thought, "I'm not going to eat this whole burger!"  Well, those burgers are SO good.  I ate the whole thing, and fries, in a matter of minutes.  And if there had been more burgers around, I bet I would have eaten those, too.  The visit was pretty fast, so hopefully he'll come back again soon.  Although he was able to come because he is currently unemployed, and for his benefit, I hope he works again soon!

Then I met with a doula.  She is an old friend of the family who has known me since I was 2.  When I was little (ages 2-9), we lived around the corner from her family and her youngest daughter (she has 5!) was a friend and classmate of mine.  She has worked for 28 years, almost as long as I have been alive, as a doula and lactation consultant.  Anyway, we met and talked about how I envisioned my labor and what job I saw a doula performing.  I told her I was looking for a calm and knowledgeable presence, because if I am in labor, I am pretty sure Eric will be green and hiding in a corner.  Eric is not the kind of guy who says, "I want to be right there with you honey!"  Instead he says, "I don't want to see any blood or anything...  I'll just hold your hand." 

I am still hopeful that I'll get to have a vaginal birth.  Baby A has been head-down at ever visit from 20 weeks on, and B has been head-down since then as well.  This is a good start, although there is still plenty of time for them to change their positions if they want to!  My OB has said that as long as Baby A is head down when I go into labor, he is willing to do a vaginal birth.  So, stay put babies!  It's just so hard to plan all of this when I don't really know how long I'll stay pregnant, or if I will end up in labor before the babies are full-term and able to be with me rather than in the NICU.  We talked about my best-case scenario, but of course not about the worst.  I have to say that I am definitely focused on best-case, and me being pregnant til at least 36 weeks, and having a vaginal birth, and bringing my boys home with me from the hospital.

Eric is in the kitchen right now cooking dinner.  We are having my dad (abandoned by mom for her trip to Paris), my friend Shoshana and her boyfriend, Jordan.  Eric is making marinated flank steak, roasted broccoli and potatoes, I am making a salad, and he is making banana bread for dessert.  Eric has been wonderful today, doing all of this cooking.  I feel awful that I can't help, it drives me nuts!  I won't say that he hasn't complained, because he has made his dissatisfaction known, but he is doing it all anyway.

26w: Belly picture and update

So today I am 26 weeks.  Tomorrow makes 4 weeks of definite, don't do anything other than lie down and take seated showers bedrest, and it has been a month since I first got word that my cervix was throwing in the towel.  As Eric pointed out, we are getting into a routine now, which makes it easier, and time is passing relatively quickly.

On to the update: My cervix remains stable, measuring pretty much the same as last week.  Baby A is hanging out with his head right on top of my cervix, as he always is.  Eric said, "Well, if they hadn't already told us we're not allowed to have sex, we wouldn't have sex anymore."  Nothing like realizing there are a mere 2 cm between where his penis would go and where his son's head is.  So, stable is all I can ask for.  We've held on to stable for 4 weeks now, so it seems that we can keep this up for the long haul.

The good news was that the long haul has a definite end.  My OB said that at 32 weeks they'll stop looking at my cervix and just rely on non-stress tests to tell them how I'm doing.  That's 6 weeks away from today.  At that point I will be able to increase my level of activity slightly.  My sister asked if that means I'll be out dancing that weekend.  No, it means I will go out for a romantic dinner with my husband.  And, I have decided I'll have my baby shower that weekend, too.  Six more weeks and I might get to do some of the things I've fantasized about, like leave the house.  Six more weeks!  Four down, six to go.  That makes next Thursday another milestone: the bedrest halfway point.

I also went another week without gaining any weight.  The nurse said not to worry.  So, I won't worry, but will instead take this as a sign that I am meant to be eating more cheese.  And milkshakes.  Tomorrow my friend Dan is bringing us lunch from 5 Guys, I am getting a cheeseburger and fries.  Take that, babies!  But, I have to say this pregnancy thing sure does a number on you.  My hair, which all my life has been extremely curly, I mean so curly that people would ask me if I had African heritage, has been growing in straight.  And all of a sudden, I don't gain weight.  Pre-pregnancy I was the kind of person who would gain weight if I sat next to someone eating a pizza.  Ok, maybe not that bad, but I did put on 3 pounds in a week on my honeymoon.  Now here I am, eating cheeseburgers and last night I had a special treat-- a Frosty from Wendy's-- and nothing doing.  All I can say is, if there is any justice in this world, I will get to keep my straight hair and killer metabolism after this pregnancy, too!

And, in a last piece of news, I took my glucose tolerance test for gestational diabetes today.  I expect that they'll call tomorrow with the results, and I will update here.  Maybe I should have cake for breakfast just in case...

25w6d: Double digits!

Today I have 99 days left until I am full term.  99 days!  I have been on bedrest 30 days, and of course I am not expected to go to 40 weeks with twins, so we are making real progress here. 

Yesterday I had a visit from my friend Alli.  As you can see from the picture, she is also expecting.  She will be 32 weeks on Friday with her twins and is looking wonderful.  When she got pregnant with twins she was very worried about her ability to carry, since she is very small-framed.  I had no worries since I am built like a Russian peasant (Eric jokes I was built to pull plows across the Russian steppes.  I think there is truth to this).  And at 32 weeks she is still moving around and not on bedrest and I am imitating a vegetable by lying still all day.  She has done a wonderful job of growing some big babies, and I'm so happy for her (and her husband) that they will very soon be welcoming two new babies to their home.  It was wonderful to have her visit.  We met in graduate school 5 years ago now (ok, 5 1/2) and both got married in the summer of 2006 and both got pregnant in the summer of 2009.  She and her husband just moved out of the city and into the suburbs near me, so come spring, we have a ready-made playgroup of 4 babies.  I am excited at the transitions we have made in our lives and happy that I have someone to share the next step with.  After I saw her I gave my belly a lecture and told the boys that they have some growing to do because Alli's belly is way bigger and I want my boys big and fat before their appearance in the world.  Alli suggested that Eric start buying me Frosties from Wendy's and I have to say that I am not opposed to that idea!

Today my mom leaves for her big world tour.  First she flies to Paris, then Singapore, with a jaunt to Phuket, Thailand and some time in Hanoi, Vietnam.  She'll be gone 3 1/2 weeks!  I will really miss her.  She is amazingly helpful, she buys me all kinds of delicious groceries, things that Eric wouldn't think to pick up since he doesn't like them (grapefruit, cantaloupe, avocado), cooks for me (I have a stock of al sugo sauce and soup) and comes and sits with me in the afternoons.  She also came with me last week to my OB appointment so she could see the boys again.  My mom and I get along very well.  We like to do things like cook together, shop together, and travel together.  Unfortunately, we haven't gotten to do much of those things recently, but I just enjoy her company.  It will be hard to have her gone for so long, but when she returns I will be feeling much more positive about where we are in the pregnancy and will really be feeling like I'm in the home stretch.

The only good aspect of her departure is that she is leaving us with her kittens, Max and Ian, for 3 weeks.  It turns our house into a bit of a madhouse, because 4 cats is a lot, but her two are the world's best snugglers, and for someone who is lying down all the time, it's great to have a snuggler with you all the time.  Be warned: there will be many, many cat pictures in the coming weeks.

Tomorrow is my cervical check and I might try to take the glucose tolerance test for gestational diabetes.  I am not too concerned about the outcome of the test, but of course I am a little worried.  If they tell me no more dessert I will cry.  I mean, what else does the pregnant woman on bedrest have to live for if not chocolate?

25w5d: Marriage

This is going to sound crazy, but I woke up the other morning and thought, "Oh my gosh! I'm married!  How did that happen?"  Yes, this is crazy, we have been married 3 1/2 years, we own a home and two cars together, and I am expecting two children.  But it is still hard to believe that I have a husband, that we are committed to each other for life, and that I will never (G-d willing) date again.

I think a lot about our marriage because bedrest tests it daily.  For that matter, so did infertility.  Through all of this, Eric has been the best husband I could ask for.  I remember the day that I was diagnosed with PCOS, I was so sad and disappointed.  I felt like our dreams of having a family were slipping away, and I had a hard time coping with the idea that we wouldn't get to make our babies the "old-fashioned way."  I cried to Eric that I felt sad that he had gotten damaged goods when he married me, or that I had deceived him because he didn't know when he married me that I would be fertility-challenged.  He didn't pause for a second before saying that he would marry me all over again, even knowing that we would have trouble.  And he repeated this throughout our process, even telling me that he loved me even if I could never have children.  And while it was wonderful to have him say those things, I knew all of it anyway, without those words being spoken.  I never for a second questioned his love or commitment.

We have a wonderful life together.  We both love food, cooking and eating, and everywhere we travel we make a point to try restaurants and new food.  On our honeymoon we rented a car just so we could drive all over the island and try all the restaurants we had read about in travel articles.  Our life so far has been easy, and we get to have a lot of time together just the two of us.  Every night we eat dinner together, at the table, no TV or books.  We talk, sometimes there isn't too much to say if we've been together all day, but some nights we are at the table for a long time.  We lie in bed together some mornings just talking, or at night we will watch a movie together.  We have picnics in front of the fireplace in winter.
And a large part of me worries about what will happen to our relationship once our boys get here. I worry about how we will find time to just be a couple and do those things we love to do.  Obviously we can hire a babysitter, but what will it really be like once our lives are changed by these boys?  I am worried we will lose "us" and be focused solely on our sons.  As a psychologist with training in sex and marital therapy, I know where we can end up and it isn't pretty.  I want to promise now that it won't happen to us, but I think everyone believes it won't be them.  So let me say now that we will try our best to maintain our connection as a couple after the birth of our sons.  Maybe if I put it out there then you will hold me to it.

On a humorous note, Eric saw that I had written, "I never questioned his love and commitment" and said, "Oh, good, that makes it easier for me to have an affair!"  This is a good joke since he leaves the house about as often as I do, and he's not on bedrest.

Also, I want to be honest and say that I did take this opportunity to post some nice pictures of us so you could see how handsome Eric is and how I used to have a waist.  He is still handsome, and I expect the return of my waist sometime around October.

25w3d: a list of goals

So I realized while I was writing yesterday's post that my next "milestone" of 28 weeks is way too far off for a person who is actually counting every single day as a milestone. And that's the truth-- every morning, my first thought when I wake up is, "I'm still pregnant!" and then I think about how far along I am, and how my boys' chances of survival are better than the day before. I decided I need some more mini-goals to look forward to and give me a sense that I'm making progress. Here is what I have:

January 20: I will enter the 3rd trimester

January 28: 28 weeks and my next growth scan. Come on and grow, babies!

February 6: My mom returns from Asia. I promised I would still be pregnant at this point.  I will be 29w2d.

February 15 (approximately): My in-laws are coming to visit.  My mother-in-law will keep me company and paint the nursery.  She also said she will do some cleaning, and she is a serious cleaner.  Her house is immaculate and puts everyone else to shame.

February 25: 32 weeks and a growth scan.

I am also having a fantasy that at a certain point, say 34 or 35 weeks, if I am still pregnant (and my fingers are crossed that I will be!) I will be allowed to start doing some more activities.  It would be wonderful to have a week or two to just run some errands or move around the house getting ready for the babies.  I have no concept of how large I'll be at that point.  I am still not that big, and pretty comfortable when I am standing up, but I hope that the babies have a lot more growing to do!

Today Eric did me a favor and took all the paperwork that I've been hanging on to from my job over to my supervisor.  This is a big relief, in a way.  There's no real need for me to have it in my possession, especially since I have not worked in almost a month now and probably won't be working again for another 4 months.  Every time I saw it, it made me feel guilty.  In part because I hadn't done all the paperwork I needed to do and was procrastinating on doing it...  The down side is that now I really have nothing remotely intellectual or productive that I need to do.  I think part of me was hanging on to it because it was a connection with work and a professional identity, versus my current identity as "woman who does not need an outfit fancier than yoga pants."  After 4 years of college, 5 years of graduate school, and getting my doctorate, it feels awfully silly to lie down and watch re-runs of 90210.  But, I am trying to remind myself that not only is it temporary, but it is the last time I'll be able to be a vegetable for a very, very long time.