Monday, February 22, 2010

31w4d: I'm Scared!

It was 10 weeks ago today that I was put on bedrest.  Back then, I was scared that I would lose my babies, or that they would be born so early that they would have long-term difficulties.  Now that I'm quickly approaching 32 weeks, I realize that we are definitely going to end up with two healthy babies at the end of this... and the end of this is rapidly approaching.  I still think I'll be lucky to make it to 36 weeks, but even if I went into labor soon, we would likely be coming home from the hospital in 4-6 weeks with our sons. 

So I have started to look at books about nursing, and babies, and raising twins. Thank goodness I waited until now, because those books are scary!  Those babies are going to make it very hard for us to sleep apparently.  Both Eric and I are 8 hours a night kind of people... How will we make it on so little sleep?  Will we kill the kids? Each other? Both?  My mom reassured me that there are many sets of twins living as adults, and their parents didn't kill them.  Oh, and then one of the books I read made mention of something about divorce rates being highest in parents of twins.  Great, one of my worst fears!  I know Eric and I are going into this with a much stronger relationship than most people have, and we have had many conversations about the ways we plan to maintain our relationship after the babies come.  But I'm starting to panic about how little time we have left just the two of us, I wish every minute we could be spent doing something special or romantic, but we can't.  And we're not allowed to have sex, and I figure between bedrest, post-partum recovery, and babies, I don't know when we will.  That makes me really sad, too. 

And I have always, always, always wanted to breast feed.  I have a lot of romantic notions about breastfeeding, but I am also too cheap to pay for the amount of formula these two babies would need if they were exclusively formula-fed.  But all I hear are nightmare stories about babies that can't latch, cracked and bleeding nipples, mastitis, nursing non-stop (and that's with one baby, not two), lack of supply... and I am sure there are other awful things that just aren't coming to mind right now.  I hear so much about people giving up early on, and I hope that I will have the dedication to keep going and get through the hardest parts with the boys.

I find myself wanting to make all kinds of social commitments for the spring and summer.  I want the boys to be portable in the beginning.  A friend is doing a 5K walk for breast cancer on Mother's Day.  I want to walk it with her, and just push the boys in the stroller, but who knows what they'll be like at that point?  And we plan to go to Maine in July, the boys should be about 3 months old.  I want all our family and friends up there to be able to meet the babies, especially Eric's grandparents!  Our boys will come into this world with 6 great-grandparents.  They are so lucky.  I don't know how well they will get to know all their great-grandparents (very sad to say) so I want them to have as much time together as they can.

The funniest to me, though, was my sister.  She asked if I thought the babies would be here by the first week in April, and I said I thought they would.  So she told me, "Great! I am off work the 2nd week in April, you should come down to DC and we'll go out for oysters!"  I pointed out that I would likely be exhausted, in yoga pants, and figuring out how to breastfeed.  She said, "No problem, you'll just carry the babies on your lap."  Ok... I'm not that delusional.

Those are some of the thoughts I've had over the past few days.  There are more, but I know when to stop.


  1. Hi Becca,
    Ok, first off talk to Molly about all your breast feeding concerns. She did a wonderful job feeding Nate, no its not easy in the beginning but once you and the babies figure it out it all goes well!!
    Next,talk to Molly's friend, Lisa. Her family travels to Italy on a regular basis, with babies. Babies are very portable! Its all
    your frame of mind.
    And finally, your life will get back to "normal" at some point, but keep in mind, your new normal will be with 2 great little guys. They are only little for a very short time, so enjoy every minute of it, trust me it goes REALLY fast.
    Take care and I can't wait to meet the babies!

  2. HI Sweetie,
    The panic is normal - and a sign of your commitment to being great breathe.
    I recommend that you make contact with a local twin mom group - they, or people you know who have twins (or higher order multiples) will be your best sources of information and support since they've 'survived.' Sorry that I can't offer any reassurance on the sleep front - you're going to be sleep deprived for a while - it's just part of the process, but one you'll get through and laugh about sometime in the future :-)

  3. RE: breastfeeding. All in all it really isn;t that hard. You just have to remember that neither you nor the boys know what they are doing. You have to have patience until all 3 of you learn.

    Re: Milk Supply. It is supply and demand. If they demand it you will supply it. Stay hydrated and nurse when they want to nurse... pump after each feeding... freeze what you pump.

    When you are in the hospital and the lactation consult comes to see you... ASK QUESTIONS, lots of questions and get someone to write down the answers.

    I never had mastitis, yes nursing hurt for a while but I had a nipple shield, that made all of the difference, don;t be afraid to use one. If someone tells you they are bad for you and the baby they are working off of OLD data. New data shows they can actually be more beneficial! I can supply the article.

    ASK ME FOR HELP... I believe in breastfeeding (what an understatement) and will help you!

  4. Hi, Becca. I loved your blog! I was laughing out loud. Your fears are totally understandable. I remember shortly before Alexandra's birth that I woke up in a cold sweat, frightened of the responsibility and the irrevocable change it would make in my life. But as soon as she was born, the maternal instinct took over. Mark and I have never looked back in regret. In fact, life without Alexandra and Chloe is unimaginable.
    I hope you breast feed as long as possible. I breast fed for 5 years (only at night, by that time). This is possibly a record, even in child-centered Park Slope, Brooklyn. It does hurt at first, but becomes so easy after a few weeks. Besides the benefit to the health of the babies, it is wonderful how much weight you will quickly use, and how much you will be able to eat to produce that milk! With twins, I can imagine that you will be able to eat ice cream, cake, etc!! You will forget (temporarily) that you ever had to diet...Love, Lisa

  5. Just wanted to say I am going through the exact same fears right now! I've been reading like crazy since I found out it was twins. I honestly think I have read every twin book out there!
    Breastfeeding is one of my biggest concerns as well...I have also started obsessing about SIDS.
    Bedrest gives us so much time to think and then the anxiety just manifests and it sucks!
    I'm thinking of you and can't wait till we have healthy happy baby boys and we're STILL MARRIED! lol