Tuesday, January 26, 2010
27w5d: More good and bad
There is not much in the way of news with my pregnancy, I have been dutifully spending all day everyday in bed except for using the toilet and taking showers. I start to get anxious when I shower that I'm taking too long. I have this feeling that somehow the babies will just pop! right out. It doesn't help that my aunt, who is now taking care of me, said something like if I start labor, she is calling an ambulance because she is worried I'll deliver in the car. I live 2 miles, tops, from the hospital so I can't imagine things happening that fast, but she's a nurse practitioner and has seen a lot more than I have.
So here is the good: I am still pregnant, and now almost 28 weeks (which is one of my milestones).
Some aspects of bedrest are like a dream come true. My husband brings me breakfast in bed. While the rest of the world wakes up early and hurries to work in rain, through rush hour traffic, I lie back in bed and read trashy novels or watch the Dr. Oz show. I know that when the babies are here, I will miss this, since I don't think I will ever, ever get to do it again.
I have had more phone calls and visits from friends and family than I can believe. Everyday I am shocked (in a good way) by how kind and thoughtful people are. I have had more food deliveries, gossipy chats, dinners, phone calls, and baked goods than I can say. Below is a picture of the delicious apple blueberry cake our family friend Susan baked for dessert (after cooking us a dinner of beef stew and broccoli). I really never feel alone, or lonely, so that is wonderful. I am so thankful that my boys will be coming into this world with so much love and generosity around them.
Also good: my aunt Sharon is here, and that's a treat. Today she did some menu planning and is now out at the grocery store buying the things that we don't have. I wish we could be cooking together, but I will happily accept the fruits of her labor. We also have some similar taste in daytime TV, like What Not To Wear and Food Network cooking shows. And tonight was her introduction to the Millionaire Matchmaker!
Now for the bad, or should I say, not as good: Eric left today for 5 days! I think we have been apart for 5 days maybe once in our marriage. And the last time that I can think of, I was busy with work, school, and social plans. This time I am at home, without him in it. I was also sad because he came up to say goodbye and the second he sat down next to me on the bed his cab honked out front and he leapt up to leave. I hope this time without him flies by.
I am also still very worried. I feel helpless, and confused. I don't understand how my cervix could get shorter after all that time being stable, especially when I didn't do anything differently than in the previous weeks. How do I know that what I'm doing now is preventing further changes? I guess, in some way, I don't know and just have to hope for the best. And if my body gives up and the babies arrive, we will have to cope with what we have been dealt.
I get nervous just taking a shower now, like that is too long on my feet (even though I feel fine while doing it). I stopped picking up my cat, Trouble, because he weighs 15 pounds and I'm worried that's too much to lift. I am afraid to cough and sneeze, much less do something like sit down and have a bowel movement (sorry if that's too gross for you). Every time I have a Braxton-Hicks I think, "is this the start of labor?" I am always looking at the clock so I know how far apart they are. If I have gas, which happens when you're pregnant, I think, "is this cramping from contractions?" If I have a bit of discharge, I wonder if my water has broken. Everything that was once a normal bodily function fills me with moments of fear. I hope, hope, hope that should I reach 30 weeks I can relax a little, but we'll see.
And I know that above I talked about some of the wonderful parts of bedrest, but I am also tired of being physically confined. I miss walking, and jogging. I miss just being able to clean my house. I wonder if maybe I will forget how to do things from not having done them for so long. I know lots of moms have bedrest and go on to have totally normal lives, but I just feel as though my life is frozen in time, while everyone else gets to move forward.